Losing My Religion

Today is the second day of Passover, a holiday in which the Jewish people follow the laws of Torah that instruct us to eliminate "bread products" from our diet for eight days. The purpose of the holiday is to remind us of the plight that the Hebrews suffered on their exodus from Egypt long ago when Moses freed them from slavery. When the Hebrews (who are today known as Jews) left from Egypt, we could say that they were kind of...well...in a rush. And so there was no time to wait for the bread they had baked for their journey to rise. This is where the concept of "matzoh" comes in. Yes, that is correct. Matzoh, an unleavened loaf of bread, was not always in the form of a pre-perforated, flat, salt-less cracker. Because of this whole unleavened bread fiasco, it is now, and has been for many centuries, common Jewish custom to avoid products that contain yeast and flour on Passover. So for the remainder of this week and part of next week you will notice me avoiding things such as bread, cake, cookies, brownies, pretzels, whole grains (such as corn and rice), certain beans, pasta, pizza, etc. Don't Ask me about the beans thing...I don't really understand it either.

So there's a little religious and cultural lesson for your personal enjoyment. I have followed the rules of Passover ever since I could possibly remember. I have always accepted the fact that, some time in the month of April (or March depending on how the Jewish calander lines up with the stadard calander) I will eat matzoh and suffer the plight of my ancestors. However, last night, probably around 1:00 a.m. in the sewing lab, I began to wonder, "Who or what is making me keep Passover?" I mean, I'm away from home on my own at school. I know for a fact that I have little Passover-appropriate foods to choose from either in the cafeteria or in my room and therefore will probably starve for the remainder of the holiday (as my stomach growls while I'm typing). Who is to stop me from sneaking a pretzel from my food storage container under my bed or prevent me from eating pizza at the Phi Psi pledge luncheon? Why do I continue to do this?

Let me tell you something. These thoughts scare me. I have never been especially religious in the sense that "God is watching all" type of thing, but I have always valued my Judaism as a top componant of my personality. Then again, I have always been around a fairly mixed population of various religions. I'd say about 45% of my high school was Jewish. My house was around the corner from my synagogue. I went to Hebrew school and later Hebrew High School. I was confirmed and went to Israel. I was president and co-advisor of my Jewish youth group. And now....what am I? Am I losing my religion? I am sitting here and questioning whether or not I should keep Passover just because I am away from home? I feel as though I am a stranger at my college sometimes because of the very small Jewish population. It feels unsual to have people look at me funny when I explain the rules of Passover to them as if they have never heard of something so absurd before. And sometimes it's even embarrassing in a way. Yes, I feel embarrassed to have to take matzoh from the sandwich station and sneak off at a pledge luncheon to go buy something that I can eat on this holiday. This occurs on days other than Passover as well. I am always afraid to mention that I am Jewish because I have a constant fear of being stereotyped. As a person who typically does not care what others think of her, this feels strange to me. What do I have to be embarassed about? I should be proud to be different. And I am. It's just a little bit more difficult in this setting where I am truly a minority. I subconsciously brace myself for ignorant comments every time I mention my Judaism.

Maybe I just fear ignorance. Maybe what is truly frightening to me is the lack of education about other peoples' religions. And I am just as guilty sometimes, though I do feel like I try to make an honest effort to learn about other cultures and religions. So as I sit here in my college dorm and contemplate what I can possibly eat for dinner, I remind myself that Passover does matter to me. Perhaps I just need to spend some time at home this weekend and visit my synagogue. I fear losing my Judaism and thus losing a part of myself.